Bloody 'Ell

So I thought I should take a break from blogging about bitters' crucial role in the classic cocktail (an obsession that now has me seeking an obscure brand that is only available in Japan; how the hell is that going to happen?) and mention the most open-ended, bitters-free cocktail there is: the Bloody Mary!

What makes a Bloody Mary so fun and experimental is lost on an excited little child like me. It should suffice to occasionally call it the pizza of mixed drinks. Even that fails though; I am quite a bit more dogmatic about pizza than I am about a Bloody Mary. (For what it's worth, pizza should be deep-dish, Chicago-style, with spinach and perhaps sausage as toppings.)

So what's a Bloody Mary? It's tomato juice and vodka. That's about it. It sure sounds boring when I phrase it that way. But a pizza would sure suck without oregano and basil and various toppings (Pizza is the salad of entrees--this is going too far). The tomato and vodka is a starting point only. The vodka adds a slight sweetness to the tomato juice.

So what do I add? First of all, I prefer using Aalborg Jubilaems Akvavit to vodka. I am aware that is not an addition of ingredients, but because it adds certain flavors (vodka is flavorless) like dill, coriander, and caraway, we're off to a good start.

What else? Lemon juice is always a good idea; V8 vegetable juice has a lemon-flavored product out. Worcestershire (or "Wusstuhshuh" as Bostonians pronounce it) sauce is probably a defining ingredient of the Bloody Mary by now; I couldn't imagine drinking one without it. And hot sauce. There are a bazillion skillion brands of that out, but Cholula and Yucatan Sunshine habanero sauce are my personal favorites, more tasty than hot. You have to salt it, but this Chicago-raised snob says celery salt is preferable. Did I mention pepper? Add lots of pepper. Pepper is good. The hotter the Bloody Mary, the better. You should be able to taste the Hell fire roasting her damned soul. V8 is also good, though keep it in a sensible proportion to the tomato juice. Yum!

Out here in New England, the people once wondered how they could ever rid themselves of their plague-level clam surplus. Some genius thought to squeeze them over a Bloody Mary until they juiced all over it. That person has not yet received a Nobel Prize so far as I know. The Canadastanis call a Bloody Mary with clam juice a "Clamato," but they also say things like "What the fark is that aboot?

I myself fucking love the clam juice; I wish I had known how at home it is in an alcohol-tomato concoction. I also wish that I never learn how something called "clam juice" is made. Let's wrap up (wing the proportions "to taste"):

1. Tomato Juice
2. V8 is acceptable
3. Akvavit Jubilaems (or other aquavits, or spiced vodkas with dill or pepper, et al)
4. Lemon juice
5. Worcestershire sauce (ingredients include tamarind and anchovy)
6. Celery salt
7. black pepper
8. Hot Sauce
9. ice?
10. Oh yeah! The garnish! Something tall, green, and celery, basically. Unless you wish to adventurous with olives, dill spears, asparagus, etc.

Martini's Ruin

A recent deadly wave of yuppie women has gentrified the American city. In the process, they and the vendors who court them have murdered the American Cocktail, once our greatest contribution as a nation to world cuisine. Case in point, this menu from some chic inner-city lounge/bistro/club:

Appletini:
Vox Apple, Sour Apple Pucker, sour mix, cinnamon sugar rim, caramel drizzle

Caramel Mochatini:
Stoli Vanil, Starbucks Dark Liqueur, butterscotch schnapps, crème de cacao light, caramel drizzle

Cherry Cheese Cake:
Effen Black Cherry, McGillicuddy’s French Kiss, grenadine, half & half, graham cracker rim, cherry

Chocolate Ecstasy:
Stoli Vanil, Godiva Dark, Bailey's, half & half, chocolate cigarette, chocolate drizzle

Clubhouse Cosomopolitan:
ABSOLUT Citron, Cointreau, fresh lime juice, cranberry juice

Creamsicle:
Stoli Vanil, amaretto, triple sec, orange juice

Dirty Martini:
Grey Goose & a touch of olive juice

French Kiss:
Grey Goose, Chambord, crème de cacao light, half & half, chocolate cigarette

Georgia Peach:
ABSOLUT Apeach, peach schnapps, orange & cranberry juices

Grass Skirt:
Malibu Rum, pineapple juice, Midori float

Halsted Martini:
Stoli Razberi, Chambord & Cranberry Juice

Key Lime:
Finlandia Lime, Stoli Vanil, Licor 43, pineapple and fresh lime juices, graham cracker rim

Lemon Drop:
Ketel One Citroen, fresh lemon juice, splash sour mix, sugar rim

Mango Martini:
Finlandia Mango, mango puree, blended with ice

Melon Drop:
Stoli, Midori, lemon-lime soda, sour mix

Mudslide:
Stoli Vanil, Kahlua, Bailey's, half & half, crushed dark chocolate rim

Mysterious Monique:
Grey Goose, Korbel Champagne, pineapple juice

Oatmeal Cookie:
Bailey's, Stoli Vanil, Goldschlager, butterscotch schnapps, graham cracker rim

Peach Bellini:
Korbel Champagne, peach puree, peach schnapps

Pina Colada-Tini:
Cruzan Pineapple, Cruzan Mango, pineapple juice, half & half, grenadine

Pomegrana Tini:
ABSOLUT Mandrin, Amaretto DiSarrono, pomegranate juice, grenadine, grapefruit juice

Presidential:
Belvedere, dry vermouth, bleu cheese stuffed olives

Raspberry Rendevous:
Stoli Razberi, Chambord, sour mix, lemon twist

Reserve Manhattan:
Woodford Reserve and Sweet Vermouth

Rita-Tini:
Patron Silver, Cointreau, fresh lime juice, sour mix

Sapphire Thoroughbred:
Bombay Sapphire & dry vermouth

South Coast:
Midori, Malibu, peach schnapps, orange juice, pineapple juice

Ultimate Black Cherry:
Effen Black Cherry, Razzmatazz, sour mix, cranberry juice, grenadine

Washington Apple:
Crown Royal, Sour Apple Pucker, cranberry juice

Watermelon Splash:
Bacardi Grand Melon, triple sec, sour mix, cranberry juice

If these things are all martinis, then what the fuck is a martini anyway? Is the drink now only defined by that specific glass (except Manhattans, of course)? What's wrong with the word "cocktail" to describe these things?

Martini Variations

Now that I have procured several bottles of bitters other than the ubiquitous Angostura, I have been able to experiment with old cocktails as they were a century ago.

These brands are Peychaud's aromatic bitters and Fee Brother's and Regan's orange bitters.

Peychaud's is a product of the Sazerac company and has a history that goes back to a Haitian druggist named Antoine Peychaud who invented a drink called the Sazerac. It is authentically bitter with some anise and black cherry. Very medicinal.

Regan's orange bitters, presumably made by Buffalo Trace, is an orange bitters that tastes strongly of cardamom, almost overwhelmingly so. The Fee Brother's bitters has a stronger taste of orange peel. Both work great in chicken soup, in case any Jewish mothers are reading this. Fee Brother's also makes mint, grapefruit, aromatic, lemon, peach, and barrel-aged bitters.

Because of these acquisitions, I made my first authentic Sazerac, and it was wonderful, as I have previously written. It was obviously time to move on to that quintessential cocktail: the martini.

"Quintessential" in this case means "controversial." The anecdote goes that two soldiers are parachuted into a forest. The first soldier notices that the second is carrying a cocktail glass, some gin and vermouth, and a shaker. He asks the second why he is carrying such equipment. "In case I get lost," says the second soldier, I can start making a martini, and someone will immediately show up and tell me 'That's no way to make a martini!'"

The controversy goes beyond the arguments between "wet" and "dry" and "perfect" martinis and how to chill them, shake or stir them, whether purists believe in a balance or Winston Churchill's glance-at-the-vermouth-bottle technique. You'd think that would be enough to fuel everlasting confusion.

But thanks to clever marketers for Smirnoff vodka and a Mr. James Bond, the term martini (and the classiness it is thought to represent) has ultimately come to mean just about any combination of ingredients. You have probably seen it at any number of restaurants. "Try our martinis!" the menu says. The only thing consistent among all these drinks is the cocktail glass they are served in now called a martini glass. It's a misnomer! The fact that every possible cocktail is now called a martini shows that people really want to be classy with their martinis but can't stomach the real thing, which can take some getting used to. The American vendor, as always, knows the customer is right. It's like calling all cars Rolls Royce: that way, we are all classy oligarchs or plutocrats or whatever.

Despite the controversy and my limited contribution to it, martinis can be highly personal drinks. I would list the drink's necessary restrictions as the following four ingredients:

1. gin
2. vermouth
3. orange bitters (if you can find them; hopefully they'll find their way back into the drink that is supposed to have them.)
4. ice

Proportions can be contentious too. Make it dry or wet, but don't tell me that a cocktail glass rinsed with vermouth and filled with cold gin is a martini. Gin is simply too powerful a flavor, and vermouth too soft, for there to be any possibility whatsoever that you could taste the vermouth in such a drink. It's called a "gin, up" because it's just gin. Vermouth is not the enemy of a martini; it is one of its defining ingredients.

I like these variations. I don't freeze the gin, because the ice will do that work, though I do freeze the glass. I also don't shake the thing, because it comes out cloudy and not just a little nasty looking.

The "Wet" Martini

• Combine and stir thoroughly
• 3 parts Bombay dry gin
• 1 part sweet vermouth
• 2 dashes orange bitters
• ice!
• strain into a chilled cocktail glass
• garnish with a lemon peel

The "Dry" Martini

• Combine and stir thoroughly
• 3 parts Plymouth gin
• 1 part dry vermouth
• 2 dashes orange bitters
• ice!
• strain into a chilled cocktail glass
• garnish with your iconic olive of choice

If you substitute an onion for the olive, you have a Gibson. If you make a drink with 1/2 part sweet vermouth and 1/2 part dry, you have yourself a Perfect Martini. If you substitute vodka for gin, you have a Kangaroo, not a Vodka Martini, unless you think you can also concoct a Vodka Daiquiri, a Vodka Manhattan, or a Vodka Margarita. Oh, and lessening the essential vermouth doesn't make a martini "drier," it makes it "gin." No matter how premium a gin is, you can't drink the shit straight up and call it a martini. Ever wonder why the word "dry" happens to modify the words "martini" or "manhattan" when "dry" vermouth is being used?

Authentic Nawlins Cocktail

Last night, I had the pleasure of hearing this exchange between my girlfriend's uncle, Paul, and his son, Nick:

Paul: This easily ranks as one of the best--no, this is the best cocktail I've ever had.

Nick: And that's coming from a large pool of data.

His teenage son's jape aside, I am proud to say that my not-quite-right Sazerac blew Paul's mind. That's some cocktail, that there Sazerac.

I had gotten the idea to gather the ingredients (an idea that rapidly turned into devotion/obsession (thank heavens an obsession that is met easily enough)) after having been served a bastardized, but still tasty, Sazerac by Paul. He knew the method and the basic structure of the drink, but he couldn't make it exactly; the ingredients just aren't easy to come by. More than most drinks, the Sazerac is a relic of the nineteenth century. Rye whiskey took a huge hit from Prohibition, as did cocktail bitters. Absinthe was already banned by that point.

So Paul's Sazerac used Old Overholt rye, Angostura bitters, and ouzo. Rye is available enough these days, but ouzo and Angostura cannot make a Sazerac. They can make a great drink, but it can't be called a Sazerac. That cocktail comprises several very particular ingredients, some of which cannot be easily (or at all) found in Massachusetts:

• Rye Whiskey.
• Peychaud's bitters
• Absinthe
• simple syrup
• lemon peel

Rye whiskey should not be very difficult to find. I think Sazerac is the best I've had, but Rittenhouse and Old Overholt are fine. Peychaud's bitters can be difficult. It is the only label of bitters besides Angostura to survive Prohibition and find success to the present day, but it isn't sold in many stores. I had to order my bottle online, because my whole state doesn't carry it. Absinthe was illegal; now it isn't. The pictured brand is Kübler 53, the second brand to be sold in the United States. It is a Swiss absinthe, clear not green. I made my own simple syrup by adding sugar to boiling-hot water until saturation. Lemons are not rare.

• Combine two shots of the rye, one teaspoon of Peychaud's bitters, and one teaspoon of simple syrup in a tumbler with ice.
• Stir and strain into a chilled tumbler, the inside rinsed or coated with absinthe.
• Rub a lemon zest along the rim of the glass and leave there for decoration.

I didn't have a lemon handy, so I soaked a paper towel with a little lemon juice and rubbed the rim that way. Other substitutions? Well, it would be nice to actually own tumblers and not serve the freaking thing in a teacup.

Daaa Bears!

I thought up a joke sometime last week to tell my fellow Cub fans:

"At least we have the Bears."

Get it? I did! At least until the first half of yesterday's game was over. Against the Packers' offense the Bears looked like warm butter, allowing over three-hundred yards total. A team like the Bears, with a 1-3 record, looked by halftime a team that deserved a 1-4 record. They played scrappy though, and the Packers looked out of gas by the half. Final score Bears 27, Packers 20. Some notes:

1. The Bears always play Green Bay tough; it is not sure they are going to play anyone else so, but
2. as other teams' players inevitably drop mid-season, the Bears' injured players will return, likely effecting a later-in-the-season streak, although
3. How the Chicago Bears could do that with so clear a bust at halfback as Cedric Benson is unknown to me. Still,
4. their budding corps of tight ends, including the rookie Olson, is going to make Griese look very experienced.

The bottom line is that the Bears will assuredly have good field position after every punt or kickof, in every game; Devin Hester will never see another ball on special teams. Ron Turner needs to develop a human imagination to keep them from being three-and-out, three-and-out with that blessing.

Your 2007 Chicago Cubs

The pouncing of the mainstream media all over Lou Piniella for his early pulling of an unstoppable Carlos Zambrano indicates not righteous indignation or frustration but the compulsory story-seeking of a literature bankrupt of all integrity, ingenuity, or intelligence. Like the right-wing talk show host paid to talk and talk some more regardless of whether there is sufficient content, the sports journalist is paid to make big deals out of nothing. Lou Piniella did nothing wrong in pulling Zambrano; the tactic failed, but that does not make the notion flawed.

Anyway, it looks like the Cubs are done. I won't act upset or disappointed, though I did let myself get swept up in the collective fool's hope that characterizes Chicago Cubs fans, even when a team just decent enough to stumble into the playoffs with an 85-win record does what should have been expected to begin with: collapse. I am happy that the Cubs made the post-season at all; maybe next year they can improve on the foundation they built on the wreckage of the Dusty Baker/Andy MacFail catastrophe.

Silver King

It's always nice to discover a new cocktail recipe, especially when its ingredients are already comfortably residing in one's own kitchen. So I present the "Silver King, as detailed by Dr. Cocktail, Ted Haigh.

The Silver King

• Mix into an iced shaker:
  1. 1 1/2 oz. gin (I used Hendrick's)
  2. 1/2 oz. lemon juice
  3. 1/2 tsp. sugar
  4. 1 egg white
  5. 2 or 3 dashes orange bitters (Take your pick from Regan's and Fee Brothers; Regan's tastes more of cardamom and turmeric, and Fee Brothers has more of a citrus character)
• Shake and strain into a cocktail glass

This cocktail is here because I recently ordered several different bitters. I couldn't find any in Boston-area liquor stores, so I went through Amazon to get them. More experimentation is necessary and compulsory; I intend to work out a good Martini and Sazerac next.